Just about ten years ago, a very dear friend lost his fight with depression. I've written about him before, maybe a couple of times. I didn't obsess about the upcoming anniversary at all this year, and that's new. This morning I was thinking to myself that it was already mid-November and whoa. The date dawned on me. I did burn off all the water I was attempting to boil to make pasta this morning because I was taking a break from school and apparently also from paying attention... oops.
I think about him every day, but not every day do I wonder if it's partially my fault that he died (anymore), that if I'd told someone else how badly he was doing something else might have happened. I guess time has healed things a little bit so that's something. In the first months after he died I was sure I'd never feel whole again. Now I'm used to being broken and I think the ways the pieces have gone back together is for the best. Just because there are gaps in who I thought I was doesn't mean I'm useless.
The thing that's been the most helpful of all is this song, actually. Being cracked and broken can be beautiful too. All those gaps make for quite the light show on the other side.
Anyway, if there's someone in your life who's struggling with depression, don't wait forever to address it. If it's you who might need help, don't wait. You're worth it and we need you around.
So lyrics about love that's probably more romantic than friendly, but still profoundly helpful with life reassembly.
CRACKED AND BROKEN
(Diana Jones)
I want to know you, know where you've been
Know how you came through
The sound of your voice, your original sin
Where we are is where we begin
Cracked and broken and beautiful
Cracked and broken that's how the light shines through
Cracked and broken and beautiful
I want to see you
In the full of the morning, in the last of the evening
Unfurled and uncovered
And in the same light I want you to see me
Cracked and broken and beautiful
Cracked and broken, that's how the light shines through
Cracked and broken and beautiful
And I want to feel where our edges are rough
What our corners are made of
Where you and I start, where we both come apart
And where we both come together again
Cracked and broken and beautiful
Cracked and broken, that's how the light shines through
Cracked and broken and beautiful
When china breaks
It's never the same
When I felt your love
My heart became
Cracked and broken and beautiful
Cracked and broken, that's how the light shines through
Cracked and broken and beautiful
Beautiful.
I'm so, so sorry that you went through this. Suicide is like nothing else in that it comes, almost inevitably, with a sense of guilt and questioning. I love the analogy you use for healing. It's apt, and I may use it myself.
ReplyDeleteSorry to be scrolling through this months posts. I just had to comment on this one.
ReplyDeleteI also have a good friend who lost has fight wit Bi-polar. The anniversary of losing him is also in November. I kind of snuck up on my because it's connected to Thanksgiving and this year it was so early. It was kind of nice to have some space between them and I almost let it pass me by. But of course I didn't.
It's hard to keep going knowing they aren't here.
I'm sorry for your loss. Abiding with you.