Sadness

In my life (in person) there are two other pregnant people, or there were until just lately.  One due 2 weeks before me, one was due 2 weeks after. 

Today she buried her little girl. 

It's so sad to lose a child.  That's actually such an understatement, I'm not sure it's worth saying.  Sad is only the beginning of how awful it is.  You may (or may not) have noticed that I didn't have anything to say about October 15th this year.  It just broke my heart to have to think about it, to think that the chances of losing a child never really go away completely, they just get lower as children get older (gosh I hope, I refuse to actually look it up).  It's been a year now since the last time I was pregnant (well, before now clearly) and it hurts to live through all those reminders of what could have been.  It was a year ago today that I got the BFP, emailed a copy to the spouse, then deleted the image because I was so worried it wouldn't work out...  It doesn't help that I have a classmate whose daughter was born on my previous due date so I get to see all those stages firsthand.  It grates on my nerves.

I never planned to count the days to viability, but I totally am (12).  I have been for weeks.  All day today and maybe for a few before I've been exhausted and just felt... off.  My next doctor appointment is Wednesday so I'm trying to cope, but that's mostly resulted in extra naps and fewer classes (oops).  I'm not sure if this means Little Monster has gotten really good at kicking me in the ribs and is waking me up much more often at night so I really need the naps, or if I'm too anxious to do anything but nap, or if something else is going on (yes, I know my symptoms line up with anemia. But pharmacy-school-induced hypochondria is a real thing too, so I'll wait to declare I know what's wrong for now).

Baby loss is so hard to cope with, and I'm just hopeful that in time things will settle into something resembling normal.  Knowing I'm extra hormonal and prone to crying (at EVERyTHING.  I cried when the spouse's finger got cut while slicing a bagel this morning, and not all that badly. Sheesh) doesn't make it easier to study at all.  It mostly makes me want to lay around and count kicks and watch sappy movies while the spouse and kid are off having Spouse-Kid Fun Time so I can study, and then slink off somewhere to cry some more when they get back.

If you pray, Sara W, Mr. W, and their little angel Abby could use some.