1. Imitate a beached whale and demand the spouse rescue you with beverages and fish sandwiches. Chips optional.
2. Discover things that entertain the fetus, such as poking, show tunes, and the cat purring.
3. Enjoy Little Monster kicking in response to typing of laptop propped on top of hir.
4. Play "does this fit?" dress-up with the 4 year old.
5. Declare shopping is required because nothing fits other than the spouse's dress shirts and take 4 year old shopping.
6. Play "pick the most excitingly colorful outfit" with the Kid and then try to let her "win" and acquire some of her festive choices without looking like a clown or like the 80's threw up its rejected outfits.
7. Take extra naps, possibly even in the mornings.
8. Take comical pictures of cat wearing recently discarded wardrobe items. Kitty is not amused.
9. Try on every coat in the house to find one that fits now and might fit until Little Monster arrives. Check all the pockets and discover hidden treasures! Expired benadryl! $3.68 in change! Ticket stubs from a play 5 years ago!
10. Demand extra snacks be delivered frequently, including special orders from the local convenience store's snack section and other normally forbidden items like Cheetos.
11. Play the "I'm so dehydrated!" card a bit more often than accurate to get drink delivery in addition to snacks.
12. Make ridiculous lists to entertain self while suffering through biostatistics lecture.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
On "everything happens for a reason"
I was just minding my own business, reading a blog because I'm avoiding a homework assignment for a few minutes more, when there was this post about PCOS, infertility, and infant loss. So I think to myself, "Well, self, let's read this and see if it resembles our experience." And then I read the comments and it was a mistake. TRIGGER!
Of course there was a comment about everything happening for a reason. There always is one of those. "Everything happens for a reason" la la la, here let me try to tell you your pain serves a purpose and that some divine intervention caused it.
I spent some time with the school chaplain (yes, yes... I go to one of those schools, where someone is talking about faith at least once a semester, and I personally think it's a good thing, but that's another post) about just this after the last miscarriage when I was struggling more than I am now with this "If there's a divine plan for my/anyone's life, how can it include such unpleasant stuff? If EVERYTHING happens for a reason, what does that tell us about the nature of the divine and do I want anything to do with such a divine presence if it's sending such horrors on unsuspecting people?" quandry. She pointed out something that I really appreciate.
First, if we trust in a loving, parental, divine figure, then not everything happens for a reason. As parents we get to see that children just do stuff sometimes and they have no idea why. While "everything" might be in our control as parents, sometimes what happens defies control or explanation. It just happens. You can trip and catch yourself a thousand times and then one day fall and break bones. There's no reason for that instance over another to have a bad outcome, it just happened.
Second, even if we accept that the divine is the boss/parental figure and plans out every step of our lives, we still have free will and can do whatever we want. This resonates for me since I dreamed of meeting the spouse in the weeks before we had a chance to meet at an event that I ended up not attending. I had the same dream 2 years later in the weeks before we actually did meet. To me, this tells me that the plan was there but I intervened and we didn't meet for a while, until we did. Same goes for the bad stuff in life. There is no plan for a car accident today, but if I'm texting while driving, I sure increase the chances that one will happen.
Additional to this is the "G-d must be saving them from something worse that would have happened." Again, this really puts a mean-spirited tone to the divine. If we understand our every action is planned out, why would the loving parental figure we thought up first plan out something awful? It's nearly impossible to hold the idea of infinite loving divine figure and also plotting nasty stuff divine figure in your head at once, which suggests to me it's theologically bunk to make the effort. One of those ideas is wrong.
And third, it's short-sighted to ascribe meaning to what might just be chance and randomness. Just because our brains like patterns and order and reasons doesn't mean there is a reason.
So keep your "everything happens for a reason" ideas about the bad things in life to yourself. It hurts whether there was a reason or not and imagining all the bad things I could have done to cause whatever bad thing happened just ruin me. Just because I learn and grow after something bad happens doesn't mean I had to go through all that pain to learn whatever it was. I could have learned to value friends and to get them help the minute I saw a problem some way besides losing a friend to suicide. That didn't happen to teach anyone a lesson. It happened for all kinds of reasons but they aren't about punishing the living. Those miscarriages, those might-have-been babies, they didn't die because I was a bad person or because I needed to learn something from it. That's too horrible an idea for me to live with.
For me, faith in the divine has to come from that loving parent perspective. I have faith that there is a plan for my life and that some things are destined to happen, but none of them involve sorrow and pain. I believe in a plan for my life that includes good things and a path to being helpful to others. That's the faith that I'm sharing with the kid, that the divine is like a loving parent, helping us figure out where we need to go and how we can live in harmony with each other.
Of course there was a comment about everything happening for a reason. There always is one of those. "Everything happens for a reason" la la la, here let me try to tell you your pain serves a purpose and that some divine intervention caused it.
I spent some time with the school chaplain (yes, yes... I go to one of those schools, where someone is talking about faith at least once a semester, and I personally think it's a good thing, but that's another post) about just this after the last miscarriage when I was struggling more than I am now with this "If there's a divine plan for my/anyone's life, how can it include such unpleasant stuff? If EVERYTHING happens for a reason, what does that tell us about the nature of the divine and do I want anything to do with such a divine presence if it's sending such horrors on unsuspecting people?" quandry. She pointed out something that I really appreciate.
First, if we trust in a loving, parental, divine figure, then not everything happens for a reason. As parents we get to see that children just do stuff sometimes and they have no idea why. While "everything" might be in our control as parents, sometimes what happens defies control or explanation. It just happens. You can trip and catch yourself a thousand times and then one day fall and break bones. There's no reason for that instance over another to have a bad outcome, it just happened.
Second, even if we accept that the divine is the boss/parental figure and plans out every step of our lives, we still have free will and can do whatever we want. This resonates for me since I dreamed of meeting the spouse in the weeks before we had a chance to meet at an event that I ended up not attending. I had the same dream 2 years later in the weeks before we actually did meet. To me, this tells me that the plan was there but I intervened and we didn't meet for a while, until we did. Same goes for the bad stuff in life. There is no plan for a car accident today, but if I'm texting while driving, I sure increase the chances that one will happen.
Additional to this is the "G-d must be saving them from something worse that would have happened." Again, this really puts a mean-spirited tone to the divine. If we understand our every action is planned out, why would the loving parental figure we thought up first plan out something awful? It's nearly impossible to hold the idea of infinite loving divine figure and also plotting nasty stuff divine figure in your head at once, which suggests to me it's theologically bunk to make the effort. One of those ideas is wrong.
And third, it's short-sighted to ascribe meaning to what might just be chance and randomness. Just because our brains like patterns and order and reasons doesn't mean there is a reason.
So keep your "everything happens for a reason" ideas about the bad things in life to yourself. It hurts whether there was a reason or not and imagining all the bad things I could have done to cause whatever bad thing happened just ruin me. Just because I learn and grow after something bad happens doesn't mean I had to go through all that pain to learn whatever it was. I could have learned to value friends and to get them help the minute I saw a problem some way besides losing a friend to suicide. That didn't happen to teach anyone a lesson. It happened for all kinds of reasons but they aren't about punishing the living. Those miscarriages, those might-have-been babies, they didn't die because I was a bad person or because I needed to learn something from it. That's too horrible an idea for me to live with.
For me, faith in the divine has to come from that loving parent perspective. I have faith that there is a plan for my life and that some things are destined to happen, but none of them involve sorrow and pain. I believe in a plan for my life that includes good things and a path to being helpful to others. That's the faith that I'm sharing with the kid, that the divine is like a loving parent, helping us figure out where we need to go and how we can live in harmony with each other.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Monthly theme post: Baby obsession
It's time for a PAIL monthly theme post! This month's theme is baby obsession...
Here's some questions that were posed, and I figured I'd start with answering them and we'll see how this goes.
See? Obsessing.
On the bloggy front, I started reading pregnancy/baby blogs when we decided we were ready for kid 2, then I stopped for a few months after loss 1, then got even more obsessed after that break, then stopped reading again when we got to loss 2 (I was SO MAD), and then after loss 3, I shifted what blogs I read but I didn't stop for any length of time at all. I hadn't expected this at all, but I felt supported in the blogosphere in a way that I wasn't IRL (because I was hiding and being anti-social and spent hours crying in my car, hiding even from myself sometimes just how much I hurt). Between 2 and 3 (so...2011) I started reading various infertility blogs and it was largely like coming home. It was a good break from strictly baby obsessing to venture into obsessing about baby-making instead...
Here's some questions that were posed, and I figured I'd start with answering them and we'll see how this goes.
- Since traveling the ALI journey have you found yourself “obsessing” over all things babies?
- Do you find yourself researching all things child-related, from toys, to food choices, to child-raising methodologies?
- What choices have you made, or not made, as a result of your ALI journey?
- Do you obsess over your child’s health, development, socialization, etc?
- Do you obsess over adding to your family?
See? Obsessing.
On the bloggy front, I started reading pregnancy/baby blogs when we decided we were ready for kid 2, then I stopped for a few months after loss 1, then got even more obsessed after that break, then stopped reading again when we got to loss 2 (I was SO MAD), and then after loss 3, I shifted what blogs I read but I didn't stop for any length of time at all. I hadn't expected this at all, but I felt supported in the blogosphere in a way that I wasn't IRL (because I was hiding and being anti-social and spent hours crying in my car, hiding even from myself sometimes just how much I hurt). Between 2 and 3 (so...2011) I started reading various infertility blogs and it was largely like coming home. It was a good break from strictly baby obsessing to venture into obsessing about baby-making instead...
Friday, October 19, 2012
Half baked
We've now arrived at right about 20 weeks gestation, so Little Monster is half baked (unless hir decides to follow suit after the Kid and wait around until well done at 41 weeks). New trick this week includes kicking me in the ribs and being enthused about green beans or the terrible music playing here in the student union. Who likes this music anyway? Bad hip hop with lots of cigars in the music video? Blech I'll pass.
I survived the 24 hour stomach flu and the horrid cold at the same time, and I'm still trying to get caught up on water intake after that dehydration. I was pretty impressed actually that I could throw up that often for 15 hours straight, and now my ribs hurt a great deal because I got to cough AND vomit. Yowser.
At the halfway mark, I'm intrigued that SRB over at Little Chicken Nuggets has been having the exact opposite experience as me on the blogging front re: child 2. She expresses very eloquently what I am feeling, that's for sure. It's a weird deal, awaiting a surprise baby after much anxious waiting and worrying and weirdness of wandering in the ALI community online while having a (not going to say that adjective, but it starts with an n and rhymes with blormal) pregnancy. The other piece that is SO HARD is accepting the loss of control. Treatments give you some sense of control that you lose when you first realize it's not as easy to get/stay pregnant as chucking the birth control. It's totally an illusion, but "knowing" that you can't get pregnant until you make an effort is sort of comforting, until it turns out to be a total lie...
I'd say that there's less, in my view, to post here about the Kid because of three factors:
1. She's 4 and a chatterbox and bound to start reading any minute now. Also with the anonymity, it's hard to describe the Kid without getting into personal detail since she's quite the character.
2. She's been exceedingly frustrating lately following the trauma of moving and now being usurped as sole child, so I have been avoiding discussing this because it would be a short walk off a plank into a deep pool of me grouching that my slow-to-transition kid is, well, being herself... hmm... who's got the real problem? ME...
3. I am talking pretty close to zero about being pregnant in real life. I'm not a thin person, so it's probable that I'll get to the hospital to check into L&D and have to explain what I'm doing there. Aside from the obvious general dislike I have of being overweight, there is a great benefit to plus-sized pregnancy, which is that NOBODY TOUCHES MY BELLY! I despise being touched so it's great to be able to be stealth-pregnant.
In the realm of stealth-pregnancy, I sort of enjoyed the "so when are you due?" chat with the lab tech when I had my glucose test. I just loathed the ultrasound though, and then the doctor visit, because both involved the dreaded "Which pregnancy is this?" question. Ugh. Yes, fifth pregnancy, yes 2nd child, yes, I know. The frown and "ohhhh" are really gratuitous and make me uncomfortable. More uncomfortable. This whole thing makes me uncomfortable, thanks. I'm hopeful that I'll get to stick with a doctor in the practice soon, although I have been trying to see the bunch just to discover if there are any I loathe, because that will mean no more introductory conversations where we rake over my history of not so successful pregnancies.
On the professional front, ooooooooh lifestyle modification in drug therapy... Sweet! It's a really exciting new direction and possible job opportunity. This has been a lovely conference and I am really excited about this prospect. There will be more!
I survived the 24 hour stomach flu and the horrid cold at the same time, and I'm still trying to get caught up on water intake after that dehydration. I was pretty impressed actually that I could throw up that often for 15 hours straight, and now my ribs hurt a great deal because I got to cough AND vomit. Yowser.
At the halfway mark, I'm intrigued that SRB over at Little Chicken Nuggets has been having the exact opposite experience as me on the blogging front re: child 2. She expresses very eloquently what I am feeling, that's for sure. It's a weird deal, awaiting a surprise baby after much anxious waiting and worrying and weirdness of wandering in the ALI community online while having a (not going to say that adjective, but it starts with an n and rhymes with blormal) pregnancy. The other piece that is SO HARD is accepting the loss of control. Treatments give you some sense of control that you lose when you first realize it's not as easy to get/stay pregnant as chucking the birth control. It's totally an illusion, but "knowing" that you can't get pregnant until you make an effort is sort of comforting, until it turns out to be a total lie...
I'd say that there's less, in my view, to post here about the Kid because of three factors:
1. She's 4 and a chatterbox and bound to start reading any minute now. Also with the anonymity, it's hard to describe the Kid without getting into personal detail since she's quite the character.
2. She's been exceedingly frustrating lately following the trauma of moving and now being usurped as sole child, so I have been avoiding discussing this because it would be a short walk off a plank into a deep pool of me grouching that my slow-to-transition kid is, well, being herself... hmm... who's got the real problem? ME...
3. I am talking pretty close to zero about being pregnant in real life. I'm not a thin person, so it's probable that I'll get to the hospital to check into L&D and have to explain what I'm doing there. Aside from the obvious general dislike I have of being overweight, there is a great benefit to plus-sized pregnancy, which is that NOBODY TOUCHES MY BELLY! I despise being touched so it's great to be able to be stealth-pregnant.
In the realm of stealth-pregnancy, I sort of enjoyed the "so when are you due?" chat with the lab tech when I had my glucose test. I just loathed the ultrasound though, and then the doctor visit, because both involved the dreaded "Which pregnancy is this?" question. Ugh. Yes, fifth pregnancy, yes 2nd child, yes, I know. The frown and "ohhhh" are really gratuitous and make me uncomfortable. More uncomfortable. This whole thing makes me uncomfortable, thanks. I'm hopeful that I'll get to stick with a doctor in the practice soon, although I have been trying to see the bunch just to discover if there are any I loathe, because that will mean no more introductory conversations where we rake over my history of not so successful pregnancies.
On the professional front, ooooooooh lifestyle modification in drug therapy... Sweet! It's a really exciting new direction and possible job opportunity. This has been a lovely conference and I am really excited about this prospect. There will be more!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Results!
Yep, I was nervous for nothing at all, it was all totally fine. Little Monster is apparently going to be tall like hir big sister, also hates staying still while being scanned so it took a long stinking time, and refuses to be identified as a she or a he (that's what that "hir" pronoun is for, for gender neutral individuals rather than gender-neutral things that get an "it").
My glucose test was also totally fine, as was my fasting glucose, and let me tell you that was no fun at all. No food or drinks after midnight until a blood draw and then glucose sludge swig at 8am. Arg. Then I studied for some test or other for an hour, got another blood draw, and then went to get coffee (a decaf with a shot of vanilla, cream, AND more sugar thank you very much). Bad news is that I have to repeat the test at the normal end of 2nd/start of 3rd trimester mark (blech). At least they had clear, very cold, lemon-lime slime to drink rather than the horrid orange stuff (that was WARM the last time I took this test. eeeeeew).
What else is there to say, except fall break is the greatest invention EVER?
I have an awful cold or something and it's hard to function, so I took yesterday off from school (#noclassesWednesday) and watched romantic comedies and read a book. It was lovely. Next week is a short trip for a conference with classmates and I'm excited AND we're staying by a frozen yogurt bar restaurant (is that what those are called, where there's 6 kinds of frozen yogurt and about 30 toppings and you mix and match to your heart's content?), so I know what's for dessert all three days we're there...
I also have been thinking a lot about sex and gender and marriage and stuff, so that post will arrive soon. I've also been thinking about the weird "clinical" versus "community" divide in pharmacy, so we'll get there too.
In the meantime, I really adored this discussion of keeping moms in the picture with their kids. Although as part of this anonymity deal, there won't be any face pictures of me and the kid, maybe we could work in some no-face, we're both wearing clothes from Target shots (hint: this would be most of the time since we are incredibly boring and shop at Target out of convenience and being broke). Because it's important to be visible parts of our kids' lives as moms and it's easy to step out and hide and pretend like we don't need to be in the pictorial record of our families. There's even a great discussion and other folks' posts over here at the PAIL bloggers website!
My glucose test was also totally fine, as was my fasting glucose, and let me tell you that was no fun at all. No food or drinks after midnight until a blood draw and then glucose sludge swig at 8am. Arg. Then I studied for some test or other for an hour, got another blood draw, and then went to get coffee (a decaf with a shot of vanilla, cream, AND more sugar thank you very much). Bad news is that I have to repeat the test at the normal end of 2nd/start of 3rd trimester mark (blech). At least they had clear, very cold, lemon-lime slime to drink rather than the horrid orange stuff (that was WARM the last time I took this test. eeeeeew).
What else is there to say, except fall break is the greatest invention EVER?
I have an awful cold or something and it's hard to function, so I took yesterday off from school (#noclassesWednesday) and watched romantic comedies and read a book. It was lovely. Next week is a short trip for a conference with classmates and I'm excited AND we're staying by a frozen yogurt bar restaurant (is that what those are called, where there's 6 kinds of frozen yogurt and about 30 toppings and you mix and match to your heart's content?), so I know what's for dessert all three days we're there...
I also have been thinking a lot about sex and gender and marriage and stuff, so that post will arrive soon. I've also been thinking about the weird "clinical" versus "community" divide in pharmacy, so we'll get there too.
In the meantime, I really adored this discussion of keeping moms in the picture with their kids. Although as part of this anonymity deal, there won't be any face pictures of me and the kid, maybe we could work in some no-face, we're both wearing clothes from Target shots (hint: this would be most of the time since we are incredibly boring and shop at Target out of convenience and being broke). Because it's important to be visible parts of our kids' lives as moms and it's easy to step out and hide and pretend like we don't need to be in the pictorial record of our families. There's even a great discussion and other folks' posts over here at the PAIL bloggers website!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Nerves
Tomorrow is the anatomy scan deal, and we get the glucose test results. The horrid test itself was Friday because I refuse to try to not eat AND drink 3 glasses of water for an ultrasound on the same day. I'm super nervous and have spent all day today not properly studying for my midterms (although Spanish is open book/open notes and pass/fail, I still need to study lots more than I have). On the upside the spouse is coming with so it's less scary. On the downside, it doesn't make me less scared...
Today the spouse and kid made me a lemon cake for my approximate birthday (off by who knows how many days... it's Sunday today, right?) so just in case I fail I got my cake. It was quite good. I think I need to have a few more lemon related things in the next few days, probably including lemon cheesecake.
A couple of the blogs about pregnant people I follow have good news today. One delivered a healthy if very early little guy and the other made it to viability at 24 weeks! I'm also making an effort to read more blogs about unexciting pregnancies too so it doesn't all seem like drama and scariness.
And now, time for either studying or vegetating until tomorrow. Also deciding whether to find out which variety of baby Little Monster might be. We are terribly indecisive around here, aren't we?
Today the spouse and kid made me a lemon cake for my approximate birthday (off by who knows how many days... it's Sunday today, right?) so just in case I fail I got my cake. It was quite good. I think I need to have a few more lemon related things in the next few days, probably including lemon cheesecake.
A couple of the blogs about pregnant people I follow have good news today. One delivered a healthy if very early little guy and the other made it to viability at 24 weeks! I'm also making an effort to read more blogs about unexciting pregnancies too so it doesn't all seem like drama and scariness.
And now, time for either studying or vegetating until tomorrow. Also deciding whether to find out which variety of baby Little Monster might be. We are terribly indecisive around here, aren't we?
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Realization
It dawned on me this morning that I'm not actually following any "normal" pregnancies as written about by "normal" bloggers, aside from one (which is about 10% or less of my blog following). I've been keeping an eye on a high risk pregnancy, and one formerly routine-ish pregnancy that's now moved to a hospital and possible pre-term labor. I've been anxiously awaiting hearing about IVF cycles and clomid cycles and all that jazz.
So this realization that the only normal pregnancy I'm hearing anything about is one on facebook from a fertile friend who I haven't kept very close ties to over the years. I'd say about 90% of the time I just scoff and ignore her posts the first time around, then later read them obsessively because something is wrong with me.
AND I know what it is! I'm just a nervous person about pregnancy now, and that will probably never ever go away.
Example: All year I've been planning to go to the ASHP Midyear meeting in Las Vegas this December. It's a big deal national conference, and yes, I don't actually need to go for school, it's just for my personal entertainment and education and networking and... ya know. All that jazz. I'm not totally sold that I'd be happy working in a hospital but I figured I'd go to this conference and see what I thought. I went to the AMCP national conference previously and was shocked by how much I enjoyed it. Never in a million years would I have thought I was interested in anything managed care, but it turns out I am.
So now, when it's time to sign up and actually make real plans to go, I'm hesitant. I've been pretending it's because I'd be enormous (true) and uncomfortable the whole time (also true) and it's too expensive, but really, it's because I'm scared. I'm not sure I want to travel at all while pregnant, not even into the city to visit my sibling for Thanksgiving, and that's not more than an hour and a half in the car. Let's be honest. I will never ever find childcare for a baby and the kid for 3-5 days so we can go to a conference somewhere warm in the winter. This is really the last shot at that level of freedom for several years.
I'd like to imagine that the anatomy scan scheduled for Monday will make me feel all warm and fuzzy and confident about this, but it totally won't. I'll still be nervous. I'll still wonder every other minute if this is even going to work out at all, and what it does to the kid if it doesn't (as if moving wasn't trying enough, poor thing), what the worst would do to me. I'll just try to remember that living in fear does me no good at all, and there's lots of hope that things will be totally fine.
So this realization that the only normal pregnancy I'm hearing anything about is one on facebook from a fertile friend who I haven't kept very close ties to over the years. I'd say about 90% of the time I just scoff and ignore her posts the first time around, then later read them obsessively because something is wrong with me.
AND I know what it is! I'm just a nervous person about pregnancy now, and that will probably never ever go away.
Example: All year I've been planning to go to the ASHP Midyear meeting in Las Vegas this December. It's a big deal national conference, and yes, I don't actually need to go for school, it's just for my personal entertainment and education and networking and... ya know. All that jazz. I'm not totally sold that I'd be happy working in a hospital but I figured I'd go to this conference and see what I thought. I went to the AMCP national conference previously and was shocked by how much I enjoyed it. Never in a million years would I have thought I was interested in anything managed care, but it turns out I am.
So now, when it's time to sign up and actually make real plans to go, I'm hesitant. I've been pretending it's because I'd be enormous (true) and uncomfortable the whole time (also true) and it's too expensive, but really, it's because I'm scared. I'm not sure I want to travel at all while pregnant, not even into the city to visit my sibling for Thanksgiving, and that's not more than an hour and a half in the car. Let's be honest. I will never ever find childcare for a baby and the kid for 3-5 days so we can go to a conference somewhere warm in the winter. This is really the last shot at that level of freedom for several years.
I'd like to imagine that the anatomy scan scheduled for Monday will make me feel all warm and fuzzy and confident about this, but it totally won't. I'll still be nervous. I'll still wonder every other minute if this is even going to work out at all, and what it does to the kid if it doesn't (as if moving wasn't trying enough, poor thing), what the worst would do to me. I'll just try to remember that living in fear does me no good at all, and there's lots of hope that things will be totally fine.
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