I mean, this is more complex than me just not realizing how hurt I was the first time I was asked about it. At first I was shocked, honestly. The kid was invited to be the flower girl in passing so I figured that there would be a more formal "ask" for me to be involved in the wedding. And then the conversation went, "You're not upset you aren't in the wedding, are you?" What response are you supposed to give to that anyway? With just a second to respond, the clear choice is "of course not" and my sleep-deprived self just went with that, the first appropriate thing I could think to say.
I also think some of my extreme unhappiness about it is related to the rest of the weddings I haven't been in. We got married first by a long stretch and I haven't been in another wedding since. My cousin I'm closest to had a giant wedding party with almost all her female cousins in it, and not me. One of my cousins got married last year and we weren't invited but all the other cousins were (the ones we see anyway. My crazy cousin with the mistress also wasn't invited.). It's awkward to go to the baby shower a year later (of course. Oh to be so fertile) and have the rest of the family fondly recall the wedding that I didn't get invited to or see pictures of or blech. We have moved 8 times in as many years so it's been hard to stay in touch with anyone but it hurts. I hate that we haven't stayed put. The kid had a meltdown again today about how she wishes she never had to move and she misses her pets and old friends. It's the third one this week. (Aside: we moved 4 times before she was 2.5 and she remembers nothing so if you have a small one and need to move, no worries.) So there's that feeling of abandonment that goes both ways when you move a lot. It's not possible to keep in touch real well with those you leave behind and yet it's hard to feel settled enough to meet anyone new.
Some of it is the collision of my very messy feelings about this last move to "too far to visit" distance again and the feeling that I crashed my life for the job opportunity that flopped for the spouse. We lived the last place for 2 years and it took me 1.5 of that to feel like I'd built a life for myself. I had a job I liked a lot and I had made friends and I felt like we were somewhere I could stand to stay (probably). Maybe not exactly there but the area. Then we decided the spouse would leave a stable job for a huge benefit increase plus a bigger salary and opportunities for advancement the old job would never have had. We moved really far, I gave up all that little bit of a life I'd built, we moved really far away from our family, and look how well that went. The spouse got fired after 3 months and we've been wandering around in a fog waiting for the end of the contract. Now there's no job and no new job. Just great. I hate that I sacrificed what little space and peace of mind I had for financial security. Sigh.
Anyway, my friends are now all married and I haven't been in a single wedding. At least when the spouse's brother got married there was no question of the spouse being in the wedding party. There was no question for us either that my sibling be in ours.
So here I am. I was wrong. I'm very upset that I presumably won't be in my sibling's wedding, slightly irked that nobody asked me about the date (it's at an awkward time in my school year), and I have no idea if I'm being totally irrational or not. I mean, maybe it's just everything else that's added up to make me extra upset about it. Probably it isn't a big deal. And yet, to have my sibling's best friend's attachment in the wedding party just irks me. Is it all about me? Of course not. I just have no idea where to go from here. Can I take it back and explain that I am actually really hurt to be left out? Do I go with my "nobody wants their fat ugly sister in law in their wedding anyway" defense to myself and try to forget that it's at all personal and pretend it's all cosmetic? Do I make the case that I'm avoiding needing to shell out a fortune for a dress I'd just look super fat in and that I can't afford anyway? The spouse wants to tell the sibling but I feel really stupid to go back and say I was wrong, twice, and I am actually so upset I wrote this really long post and cried for far too long to admit.
Sigh. I feel like I am generating drama where maybe none is warranted, and in the same breath I know I'll look at pictures from the wedding with the kid and without me and be pissed at least a bit for the rest of my life.
As someone who has also never been a part of a wedding, and is SUPER bitter about it, I would say that you're not being irrational AT ALL. But then again, maybe I'm not the person to ask.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, because we're planning on getting married in January and it will be a VERY small affair and none of my friends will be invited, let alone be in it, and yet I'll still probably be annoyed when I'm not in their weddings, if they ever have one (one close friend is getting married this fall and none of us are invited). I guess weddings bring up strong emotions in people,
Anyway, I'm sorry I'm not being very helpful. I just wanted to let you know that I also feel really strongly about being asked to participate (or not) in weddings. My cousins originally asked all of her girl cousins to be in her wedding, we even picked out dresses, and then suddenly she wasn't having any bridesmaids at all. It was really weird and I'm still a little hurt by it (it happened YEARS) ago. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard to know how to feel about these things, especially when everyone else wants to tell you how you should feel. I just hope you know that however you do feel is appropriate and that it may take some time to work through your pain and disappointment. Abiding with you.
I'm torn on this. On one hand, 5 years after my wedding, I'm glad I had all my siblings + SIL in my wedding party because it's family after all, BUT, at the time, my SIL was only in it b/c she made it very clear she expected nothing else, and I hugely resented that for a really long time. It was my day, and it pissed me off that she was in my wedding just b/c she was family and she felt like she should be.
ReplyDeleteFWIW - my advice is to suggest that you concentrate on the fact you don't have to drop a couple hundred dollars on an unflattering dress and just go with it. I'm sorry hon, I know it hurts to feel excluded.
I'm sorry you're feeling crappy about this. I've been in a couple of weddings, and while it really was an honor, it is also an incredible waste of money and energy. Having not had a wedding of my own, maybe I don't fully appreciate these things. That being said, I know how sad it can be to not be included or invited to the weddings of people who you were once close to. That has happened a few times for me recently, and while I totally understand, it still hurts--not so much that I wasn't included as that we'd drifted apart to the point where it wasn't terribly hurtful that I wasn't included. Does that make sense? Anyway, I wonder from your post if that isn't the primary reason for your hurt. As for your sister, I did tell my sister, honestly, when she asked, that I would be hurt if I was a bridesmaid and not the maid-of-honor. If this is indeed something that is going to to hurt for you for years, you might as well talk with her about it. She may have felt that including the Kid WAS including you. Before you talk with her, maybe think about what it is that would make you feel better. You will, after all, be in family photos from the wedding, so it's not just that. :)
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