Thursday, May 2, 2013

Decision circus

I feel like all this "and what rotations will you do? What do you want to be when you're done?" consideration and discussion is turning into a circus. Maybe a horrible carousel ride where I can't get off and I can't see things clearly either.

It's almost finals and I should really be studying. I'm gonna get back to it soon. Really. Sometimes my brain just hurts.

I also have a super case of senioritis and I am so completely ready for this semester to be OVER. It isn't, but I really wish it was. I have senioritis and another full year of classes because sometimes life happens. This is to say, the classmates I started with will be starting rotations in June and I'll be figuring out if there are jobs around town I could get because I can't think of another way to keep myself occupied in the fall with only 2 classes.

So the option that most appeals to me is working for myself, doing lifestyle modifications and medication management, or computer system consulting (but I'd need a lot more training to really do that). I have no idea if I could make a living doing that though. It scares me to think about running my own business. When I mentioned this to the spouse, the response was "Well, I should brush up on my accounting skills then." Not "how will you pay back your loans?" and not "are you nuts?" That's really cool.

I feel like in a lot of ways, our lives hit a dead end this year. We were ready to take a leap and try a new path, and it turned out to crash the spouse's career, maybe forever in the current field. I crashed my on-track graduation from school with that one pesky question. Seriously. Warfarin dosing? I often wonder how I managed to screw that up because it's easy, it's just simple math, and yet the error I made would be fatal. In practice of course I would have a protocol and a nice table and it wouldn't happen unless I followed the table wrong. But still.

Now that we're at the dead end, the only way out is something unexpected. We did the expected things, tried the safe path, and hit a wall. Either we build a jet pack and launch skyward or we blow up that wall and bulldoze through to something new.

It's actually really freeing to know that I am free to dream. So long as we can pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads, the sky is the limit.

Now I need to figure out how to make my rotations work for me. How do I make my rotations fit so I can achieve that dream of working for myself? Where on earth do we go and do we even try to make it happen in one place, or do we spend a year with me being a nomad and only home on weekends?

I'm still pondering it. There's so much to ponder and I have only a few more months to start prioritizing my requests and networking as much as possible to get spots I'm interested in (in places I'd like to be for 5 weeks at a time).

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