"So when are you going to have another baby?"

I like theme posts. I'm a big fan of the PAIL community (that would be parenting/pregnant after infertility and loss) and it's the theme this month! So you're subject to my theme blogging.

I'm pretty glad that nobody asked me at all about next babies until just lately.  I think I'd have run off and cried.  Miscarriage 1 post-kid was when she was about 15 months old and a surprise, miscarriage 2 was when the kid was 2 and a half years old, and the third when the kid was 3 and a half.  In all that time, it took until a couple of months ago for anyone at all to ask.

The ask entertained me and since I was giggling at the technique, I avoided the crying.  My faith community has this group of great ladies who have kids in elementary school up through about my age and we were having lunch, and Susie says to Deb, "So how do we ask about when they're having another baby in a tactful way? It's a delicate subject" and they riff on the theme for a while. It was great.  I decided that this bunch of ladies deserved the truth so the honesty and all.

So if you missed it, the saga goes as follows: we decided in the beginning on having the kid, and in about a minute we were expecting and things went well. By the first year of parenting, we were thinking about 3 years between the kid and kid 2.  Then! The "whoops" pregnancy that failed, which I figured wasn't a big deal.  Then a bit beyond a year later we decide the time is right to try for real, are expecting in a hot minute again, and a second "well that sucks."

And then the infertility. A year of waiting, another loss. But a diagnosis! PCOS!  We get set to fix that and it occurs to us that we're pretty broke (see: pharmacy school) so the fixes you might hope for aren't an option (ie an RE).

So we accepted that we'd probably adopt when we could afford that, and in the meantime, wait and pray and assume things would stay the same and enjoy the kid.

And now we're a couple weeks into a surprise pregnancy and I'm cautiously optimistic but nowhere outside of this blog will any such news be discussed for the next several months.  Yeah, that makes me paranoid. Yeah, it makes me secretive about loss, and maybe I shouldn't be so secretive.  But it's my heart and I think I'd rather grieve in private if it comes to that.  I may change my mind  and I probably will, but for now? Quiet hope.  Calm hope.  Trust that whatever will be, is what should be in the bigger plan.  If I have faith, I have faith all the way that I'll get where I'm meant to, and in the time I'm meant to get there.

Yeah, it's been quite the emotional roller coaster and I'm pretty sure that if this doesn't work out, I'm taking a break while I finish school.  At the very least I loathe the acne that comes with no oral contraceptives and it would be nice to skip out on it for a while.  BUT pregnancy also fixes my skin so that rocks.  Nausea but better skin? Yes please.