Sneaky success

For ages I have tried hard to relax and let go of whatever is coming next in this job search. Historically my reaction to a stressful situation is to give up completely or be so stressed and panicked that I avoid or do very destructive things (14 hours of a video game the day before something is due for example... is something that happened to a friend once... yes...). It's been a part of my daily meditation practice to let go of things I can't control and accept whatever is happening next.

I have felt like a total failure most of the time. I have tried to stop worrying about things and it just wasn't working. I fret. I worry. I have lists of lists so I have the illusion of control.

But. I'm in the process of applying for residencies and I'm not one bit nervous about it. Or maybe only a single tiny bit. I'm debating whether this means anything beyond that I am tired of explaining why I want someone to hire me but at the moment it seems like all that practice at letting go has worked.

I never expected there to be a day where I could say that I'm not nervous about the future. I hoped it might happen but I never really thought I'd be in a place where it was true. Today I was focused on today and nothing more. This focus didn't stop me from attempting to be organized and applying to a couple residencies, but it did mean that I'm not afraid of what happens now. I have zero worry about getting an interview for a residency. I'm only marginally concerned about getting a community job because a chain I interviewed with doesn't start hiring new grads until March so there is plenty of time, and my marginal concern mostly is inspiring me to apply for more jobs rather than panic or worry or be angry at someone for no reason.

It's very surprising to find my mental state so... sane and balanced for the most part. Usually I feel like I'm caught in a tornado of "what's next? how do I get there?"

Today really is a miracle.