Endings

Dude I am not ready for any of the endings coming my way. So not ready. And yet, the end is coming very soon.

The end of school is coming rapidly. After 3.5 years of pharmacy school, I am hopping up and down ready to be done already and be on rotations and work but not get paid until there is a job and then I will get PAID to work. SO EXCITING! In the same breath, this is utterly terrifying. I mean whoa. I know nothing and I'm going to be the one checking prescriptions and helping patients get better and whoa. I need another few years of school to feel confident I know enough. And yet, here I am at the end just about and ready to be done soon.

I still have 3 rotations in the air but I have decided not to be overly concerned yet. It's January. It will work out. That's about 30% a lie and it wakes me up from my pharmacy-related dreams to gnaw at me about one morning a week but it will work out. It will.

And the baby who is barely a baby anymore is taking steps and actively attempting to figure out how to stand up on her own (the only part of walking she doesn't have down already, picking herself up in an open space and consistently letting go of the thing she's holding to go walk herself) and soon it will be time for me to go. My first two rotations are out of town enough that I will be gone during the week and home weekends. That means for sure we have a weaning deadline. I think she'd be happy to nurse a lot longer than that but I am not going to attempt to pump for 10 weeks a minimum of 4 times a day so she can nurse on the weekends. My time is more valuable than giving up two+ hours a day for 10 weeks (not to mention being miserable) so we will be done.

Once she'd been back to daycare for 2 weeks, I decided to be done pumping. I pumped once a day during the first week while she is gone for about 3 feedings and I can tell my supply is dwindling some but it's kind of nice too. No more gagging (well, much less gagging if I'm honest), more cuddle time nursing longer, less or no leaking at night, not all bad. I have a conference to be at for 2.5 days coming up so I will pump for that and then pack up the pump.

And that brings us to the old "and do I keep it?" question. Do I keep the pump that has served me through both girls' babyhoods on the chance there might be a third or do I retire the thing to the dump or the parts graveyard or to scientific exploration by the 5 year old? GAH. I mean I don't really need it or all of it. I could keep the parts that are me-sized and ditch the rest. I could keep it until some mystery point in the future. I could just get rid of it now.

Endings are not my strong suit. Aside from undergrad 1.0 that had this very structured set of rituals for the end of things (which I loved and participated in with gusto, such that my friends kidded me about it), I feel like I just crash into an ending and discover the consequences somewhere on the other side. Here's hoping whatever is on the other side goes well and that the landing is soft.